Hooker Life

Forty years ago today a great man was born.  Who might you ask?  Well, if you’re an American, then you know him as Pain Solution.  Live in Europe?  Well, if you know the anything about the world of sideshow or flesh hook suspensions then you’ve probably seen the Head Master.

Although he is best known for being a mutli-talented performer, his biggest contributions have been in the world of education.  Besides teaching the art of suspension throughout the world and running a school of sideshow in Oslo, he has worked directly with the Norwegian medical community to explain the art and science behind pain and to show the positive effects of body suspension.

Yes, today is my friend Håvve Fjell‘s 40th birthday.  Unfortunately I cannot be there to celebrate with him.  However, I will be there in a few weeks for the Oslo Suscon. (In my opinion the world’s best suspension convention)

My Story of Håvve
It was December 3rd, 2000 – I had just finished a suspension performance for Torture Garden .  (Opening for Ron Athey)  During my suspension I had managed to rip my knee and was a bit distressed about how to handle the gaping wound.  I remember sitting upstairs at Body Probe Studios staring at the hole when I notice a tall bald man standing over me.

“Hello Allen, I’m Håvve”
“Nice to meet you Håvve, by chance to do have any sutures?”
Now in all honesty, the question was more of sarcastic joke.  Yes I needed to stitch my knee, but I never expected anyone to have anything that might help.
To my surprise he replied, “Yes I do”
He dug through his backpack and handed me a sterile suture pack.
“Wait.  Who are you?”
“I’m Håvve from Oslo.  We have been chatting online.”

At the time it seemed like a random encounter.  Little did I know that I had just met such an amazing person that was not only going to influence the world of suspension, but become such a good friend.

Happy Birthday Old Man

If you weren’t there, words can’t describe the event….but maybe a few of my favorite photos will help do the job
(if you want to see more photos scroll to the links as the bottom of this entry)

Lizard and his ever evolving facial hair

Me and Muffe

Lassi and his whiteout painted teeth

Me and the Courtinator

Lizard taunting Tara
(yeah she told him to fuck off)

Pantera Blacksmith

Pantera and Snake Oil Sideshow

Lassi’s Deep Throating amazes the locals

Lizard and Courtney

The cast and crew

Lizard, me and Snake Oil boys

Pain Solution with 2 of his fans

Havve and Christiane probably one of my favorite photos of these two

By far the best event Courtney and I have ever organized.
What’s next? Who knows, this one took a lot out of us, but not to worry.
We will be bringing you something crazy cool very soon.

More Event Photos:
Lizard Lounge
Naked Lens
Ben Britt

The video below is MUST see. I love my crazy friends! My hat goes off to Jesse and the AGRO crew for pulling off this mini bike suspension. Enjoy:

In other news, we just got in 800 needles from Industrial Strength Needles. I can’t even express how thankful I am to have Maria and her team supporting the suspension community. If you work in the tattoo/piercing industry, you should give your business to IS Needles! Even in this bad economy, they have gone out of their way to donate supplies to us!

Yesterday, we made a rather landmark purchase. It cost a pretty penny, but we now own a dynamometer. We even spent the extra money to purchase the software that goes along with it. So what does this mean? Now we can test suspension equipment by pushing it until it fails. Plus with the software we can record, in real time, the forces exerted during a suspension! The company even told us, that if we record video we can sync the dyno’s readings with the video. If I remember correctly, the software takes 24 measurements per second! Holy crap I’m excited to see what kind of results we will get.

And in final news, we are placed a giant rope order for the upcoming Dallas Suscon. In previous years we’ve only had a few choices of rope. This year we will have a selection of ropes for people to compare side by side: (MBS=minimum breaking strength)

1/8″ Tech 12 (600′) – MBS: 2500 pounds

1/8″ Amsteel Blue (600′) – MBS: 2300 pounds

1/8″ Amsteel Gray (600′) – MBS: 1600 pounds

4mm Accessory Cord (646′) – MBS:1056 pounds

7 strand Paracord (1200′) – MBS: 550 pounds

Friday April 2nd, 2010 we are bringing back the Dallas Suscon opening party Freaks & Fetish event to the Lizard Lounge in Dallas. This year’s event will showcase performers and guests from around the world:

	World champion pole dancer Pantera Blacksmith: www.panterab.blogspot.com
	An amazing act never before seen in Texas: From Finland – Snake Oil Sideshow: www.snakeoil.fi
	The return of Pain Solution: www.painsolution.net from Norway
	And our very own Lizardman (www.thelizardman.com) will be rounding out the evening as MC with his unique blend of stand up comedy and sideshow stunt work.

With all our freakish thrills and sexy frills, this is a party you won’t want to miss.
For more information and ticket prices please visit:
http://thechurchdallas.com/event.php?id=1196

To see what you missed last year visit the Church Pictures:
http://www.thechurchpictures.com/viewer/index.php?id=337

And of course a HUGE Thank You to this year’s event sponsors

So much is going on in the world of suspension right now. First of all, I finally made an announcement that the Dallas Suscon will happen again in 2010. It is scheduled for April 2-4 of 2010. The event will be similar to last year, including the big Freaks and Fetish opening party that will feature some amazing acts that Dallas has never seen.

In more recent news. Emrys and Bella from Rites of Passage just appeared on the National Geographic network last weekend. The show was entitled Humanly Impossible. The segment was short, but the science they describe pretty much hits the nail on the head when it comes to the biology and brain chemistry that surrounds suspension:

Those of you that keep up with this blog know that I’ve been promoting the Hellzapoppin sideshow coming to Dallas Thursday December 17th. Presently I’ve been focusing on the Lizardman and his book that he will be selling at the show, but I wanted to make a special shout out for another Hellzapoppin performer, the World Famous Penguin Boy. This last Monday I had the honor of hanging him for his first suspension. Photos never really show the how well people suspend, but I can assure you he hung like a pro:

And speaking about someone that hangs like a champ. Holy shit! Two days ago I opened my email to find a link to this video of Neil from the Houston AGRO team. This, my friends, is in my opinion one of the most impressive suspensions to date. Trust my folks, this is definitely one of those DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME moments:

From Neil: “This would not have happened without the help of so many of my close friends.  Arwen Rosa, Joe Amato, Tim Taylor, Kenny Hughes, Kieran Diedrich, Jill Coudray, Nicola Sands, Rick Pierceall, Miss Ouch, Roel Moreno, CoRE, AGRO, DHS, SMS, everyone who hung from me, and several others who I’m sure I forgot to mention.  I couldn’t have done this shit without help from all of them.”

People have asked if this was the first one point resurrection. Actually the first to my knowledge was done by Alice from Constant Elevation at the 2008 Oslo Suscon photo below:

Update 09/12/11: I can’t believe I forgot about Damien who was hung by Hanged Man Suspension Team in Australia. He did a single point resurrection back in early 2009, I believe.

This next video is also Damien suspending from his forearms, doing some VERY impressive aerial flips.  The clip is from a show entitled “Live Bait. ” Interesting side note, there are some old TSD button work shirts out there, circa 1998, with graphic of a doctor performing surgery holding a hook. The caption on the shirt is “Live Bait”

He may not have been the first to pull of the one point resurrection, but the tandem seen below is, I believe was a first. Yes, that’s Neil again doing a superman with 3 people hanging off him from their knees. Think that’s impressive? What you may not know is that not only was this after the one point suspension you see in the video, he also had several other people hang from him as well this day. I’m not even sure how many in total.

Man I love the suspension community …you guys never cease to amaze me!!

On December 17th Hellzapoppin will be performing at The Church Dallas Who or what is that? Simply put it’s a touring circus side show featuring: Bryce Graves, Lady Daibla, Penguin Boy, Zamora the Torture King, and the world famous Lizardman. Why should you attend this show? Well other than supporting some of our friends and freaks, you will also get a chance to pick up a limited edition of the The Lizardman’s book: Through the Modified Looking Glass It’s a great read and as a support for The Lizardman I will be posting random excerpts from the book. Below is a collection from the Q&A chapter of the book:

If you were to run for president what would your policies be?

My policies would be enough to make sure I never got elected, or at least ensure my assassination. Rather than address the myriad of issues a presidential candidate must formulate policy on, I will simply put forth one I think is most important to our future and also the one least likely to happen (which is unfortunate since I consider it absolutely necessary):

The abolishment of the legal status of corporations as individuals and/or entities in terms of liability or action. I would demand that all businesses ‘have face(s) put to them’ such that there was direct and obvious culpability for any and all operations.

Who do you think would win in a fist fight between Jerry Falwell (if he was still alive) and Christopher Hitchens?

I would certainly have more points of agreement with Hitchens than with Falwell — despite being on the opposite side of the fence from him on more than a couple issues. So that may bias me in his favor but I think the real reason to pick him in this fight would be his drinking. A man with the sort of drinking experience he has professed would likely have some good bar fighting experience, so I am giving him the edge. Besides, I find people who bluster in Falwell’s fashion tend to be cowards if challenged physically. For all his fire and brimstone hate speeches against homosexuals I think Falwell would have offered to suck a dick to avoid a beating and maybe even been thankful for the excuse to do it.

What is the most bizarre assumption that someone has made about you simply because of your mods?

That might be a hard one to narrow down. How about that I am Irish or a Jets fan? Those two kind of caught me off guard at the time. I am pretty sure the people making them thought it was paint and not tattoo at the time though.

Thinking of trying to insert any other power tools into your head via your nose?

Lizard: Always, and other orifices. The thing about me going into a hardware store, or any other store, is that I am always thinking about the show. I pick up all sorts of stuff and wonder if I can balance it, or swallow it, or fit it up my nose. I wonder how it might look onstage or what else it could be used for in the show. On tour you can often find me juggling toilet plungers in dollar stores or doing impromptu demonstrations in home depot for the sales clerks.

Many of the funnier bits and more unusual objects in my repertoire come from these improv moments and demos. The fork I currently put my nose as part of my blockhead routine comes from the Orlando alehouse. It was last year at Horror Nights in Universal when one night after finishing up we went over there for a couple beers and someone asked about show. As more and more people got involved, a few of them expressed disbelief and were convinced I was putting them on. So, I took a fork off the table and worked it into my skull to prove that the blockhead is real.

What is the meaning of life? Also, all things equal (cost, upkeep, feeding, and so on), would you rather have a helper monkey, or a helper robot?

Lizard: I am not at all convinced that life has a meaning and that the question isn’t simply an artifact of the defects of language. Meaning to me is primarily representative of part of the process by which we use symbols of various sorts to represent, and not a property of things. Also, searching for a meaning to life seems to very heavily imply that life is a more like a noun than a verb and my position would be the latter rather than the former.

As to your second question, I have to go with the robot — mainly for customization of appearance and design. If I so desired I could make it a robot monkey.

Sorry for the delays on posting a new blog. Between work, school and suspensions I’ve been pulling long hours so I’ve been slacking on this blog. Well, I have actually written two other blogs, but they were never finished and may never see the light of day…who knows.

First Current Events
Two tragic deaths this week
John Hughes 1950-2009
and
Veronica Hoffman 1979-2009

John Hughes…now unless you have been living under a rock, I’m sure you know of John Hughes and his films, or at least the ones from the 1980′s. Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club, Weird Science, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, just to name a few. Cinematic masterpieces? No far from it, but one of his films is very important to me. If you know me very well, you probably know that Weird Science is my all time favorite movie. (Yes, I can quote the entire movie from beginning to end) “Are you fucking serious?” Yes I am. “Why?” Well that’s a long story, that I might tell you if you buy me a drink sometime.

Veronica Hoffman…you probably don’t know her, but she was a friend of mine. Usually I’m fairly well spoken individual, but when it comes to death, especially suicide I’m often at a loss for words. So instead or trying to say the right thing, I will just post couple of photos. The first I shot of Veronica in a hotel in San Francisco a few years back and the second was shot by someone else at a party that same weekend. You can also read a short article about her on thefetishistas.com.

Me, Athena, Jody and Veronica
Veronica you will be missed!

***

…and in Suspension News
New Gilson Hooks
and
The Horsemen

Steve Haworth has recently added an amazing new feature to the Gilson Hooks. A carriage bolt with a wing nut: (Thanks to Matte for giving Steve the idea)

Oh happy day, no more tools to secure the hooks. He’s even put together a nice little direct hook/shackle/rig design that eliminates the need for a secondary rigging rope. All very good news for suspension safety.

I know many of you are looking at the above photo, reading the description and saying, “Do, Hunh, Wha?” It’s ok I will explain. In the world of suspension we have been using fishhooks for years. Yes, debarbed stainless steel fishing hooks…and the hooks have always been the weakest point. “Not the skin, doesn’t that rip?” Well, yes the skin is the one difficult variable, but contrary to what you might think, the skin is actually stronger than most hooks. Plus, hooks are open on one side. Not only are they weak, they can fall out. These new hooks take care of both issues! Interested in buying some. Well then, hop on over to Ebay and pick up a pair. BTW, this author is TOTALLY NOT RESPONSIBLE for misuse of the product. In fact, don’t hang from hooks without seeking professional help. Yes, pun intended there

And lastly, The Horsemen came out on DVD last week. Um, what can I say. If you are a producing a feature film, underground flick, TV show, over even a little youtube video and you want people hanging from hooks in it. Please just send me a message or contact one of the groups on suspension.org I know I’m just jaded, but I hate it when suspensions look so fake. As I remember the special effects guys of The Cell were paid $20,000 to do show a quick little clip of someone hanging in a rubber suit. Hello Hollywood, we will do it for less than that, and it will look real Actually, nix that last statement, you should pay us the $20,000 plus hazard pay. I kid…well kinda.

As for the movie, it was ok. The story line really didn’t seem to go anywhere and the ending was bit contrived, but overall I would say it was entertaining. On that note though, unless you are really interested in seeing every Ziyi Zhang movie, just skip it and go rent a John Hughes film…ok maybe not Beethoven’s 5th…stick to the 80′s and you’ll prolly be a happy camper.

National Lampoon’s Vacation
Cousin Vicki: I’m going steady, and I French kiss.
Audrey Griswold: So? Everybody does that.
Cousin Vicki: Yeah, but Daddy says I’m the best at it.

This little piece almost made it into the Fade Fast Blog, but I’m not really sure if this entry is in good of taste…and since that blog is more about my business than anything else, The Kimberlizer goes here. For those of you who don’t know the back story, here it is:

An 18 year old girl got 56 stars tattooed on her face and now she is suing the tattoo artist saying she only want 1/2/3/the ones above her eye/etc (There are plenty of conflicting stories if you google her name: Kimberley Vlaminck) Long story short, her defense is that she fell asleep and woke up to not one, not two, not even three stars, but 56 covering her face.

Unless this girl was on MASSIVE drugs there is NO WAY she fell asleep during the tattoo. Plus, when it comes to a tattoo like this, there is always plenty of time drawing and/or laying stencils on the face before tattooing. Even if he did it all free hand, there is plenty of repositioning that would need to be done that would require her to move her face and/or body.

Tattoo Artist: Rouslan Toumaniantz

….but anyway, this is not the real reason behind the blog. OH NO. As I mentioned before you can get your fill of reading other people’s opinions on the subject. No, this blog is dedicated to the The Kimberlizer! What is that you say? It’s a truly tasteless flash app that lets you take a screen shot with your webcam and you too can be immortalized just like the poor sleeping Kimberley.

Hilarious? Genius? Horribly poor taste? Hmmmmm…. What do you think?

Last night was quite the bizarre to say the least. My evening actually started off rather mellow. The weather was beautiful and there were two events going on that were both less then 3 miles away, so I decided to take my bike out. Yes bicycle not motorcycle. First, I rode up to the Lizard Lounge to check out Benny Bennasi. I’m not a huge fan, but a DJ like that brings out an enormous crowd and the people watching is usually interesting. I arrived just before doors opened and all my friend that work there were way too busy and stressed to talk…so I ventured on.

My next stop was the warehouse. Someone was throwing a party and a few of the Diablocrats were going, so I decided to stop by for a bit. It was about 9:30 at this point and I think doors were at 11. Warren, Mark and Taboo were all there helping them setup, so I pitched in and helped out a bit. The main goal was to get the hot tub working but sadly the pump was dead…or at least that was the consensus …electrical has never been any of our strengths

So here’s the deal with this warehouse party. It was an 80′s night that was sponsored by Three Olives Vodka. $20 to get in and all the liquor you could drink….and there was a LOT of liquor. HOLY CRAP Anyway, I hung out there til about 11:30 and although the party was getting off to a slow start it had a great vibe and seemed to have plenty of potential. I got word back from Don that Benny was going on between 11:30 or 12, so I was back on my bike to check out the festivities over there. Talk about Mad House…that place was insane.

I ran inside briefly to grab a water and use the bathroom, but mainly I sat outside on my bike and talked to the crew. Like I said, I love to people watch and talking to the Lizard Lounge staff usually makes for a good evening. Unfortunately the guys were busy and super stressed, so after about an hour I decided to roll back over to the warehouse.

To my dismay the place was crawling with police and the TABC. I was always under the impression that giving out free booze didn’t require a liquor license, but obviously that isn’t the case. At this point it was almost one in the morning, so everyone was scrambling to buy beer. (In Texas you can buy beer til midnight every day except Saturday, on the that night sales go til 1am…weird hunh?) People started returning with alcohol and were promptly invited into Mark and Lex‘s loft that is right next door to the warehouse. Now lets see if I can explain this part to everyone. We were all standing in the courtyard in front of the loft. It is gated and private property. The cops walked in and started hassling people about having open beers outside. A few people tried to calmly explain that this "our front yard." Mark on the other hand was drunk and belligerent and was bitching at the officers. So, I grabbed him by the back of his shirt and drug his giggling little self back inside until the po-po were gone.

OK, here is where things got interesting. The cops were gone, the warehouse was empty except for the staff, but people were still hanging around outside and no one was ready to go home. We decided to venture back into the warehouse and soon found out that the police had poured out every drop of alcohol and one of the organizers was practically in tears. Warren, the smooth talker he is, stepped in and came up with a solution. He explained that the party didn’t need to end. He had GALLONS of vodka at his house that he had purchased for his Memorial day party that he could bring to the event. This seemed to brighten up spirits a bit, but I think most of the other organizers were done and packing up. Hmmmm…we had people there and liquor coming back. What else did we need? Music!

The DJ and the high end sound system might be gone, but I had my ipod and the warehouse is wired for sound. It took about 2 minutes of rigging to get everything hooked up and I chose Flock of Seagulls – I Ran to get the party started again. Still not sure if the DJ came back or if there was another sound system in the back, but about 5 minutes later a louder and better sound started up and I turned mine off. It wasn’t long before the place started filling back up and Warren arrived with booze in hand. From here everything just seemed to fall into place. Taboo and I suddenly became the event bartenders and the drinks started flowing. After a bit there were 3 of us tending bar, and the place was packed. At some point the liquor ran out, but Warren the night in shining armor was back in a flash with even more of the liquid evil and the bar staff increased to 4.

Now that I think about it, it was at least 3am before the liquor officially ran out. April, the girl in tears a while back, was now smiling and having a blast with the rest of the folks. At some point the bartenders took a vote and decided to give all the tip money to her. I have no clue how much money she lost, but heck we weren’t tending bar for the money and she needed it more than us. We were all doing it for the party and yeah the fun of pouring.

I know I switched to water at some point because I had to ride my bike home, but sadly it wasn’t soon enough. It’s 3pm and I’m still laying in bad while I type this. I’m sure there are plenty of stories to be told by the other participants, but from my perch behind the bar the event seemed to be a blast. In fact, most of my time there I was hugging people, thanking people and being thanked. You know I remember several "I love you man" moments, especially from Mark AKA Mr Delabooze.

Warren, Taboo, Mark, Lex, the Capoeira guys, the organizers and everyone else that came out, it was a blast! Not sure where or when it will happen but next time there is a RIOT! event, please invite me again for more drunken shenanigans!